


I Want To Be A Paladin

by WashiPuppy



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Kuron is Shiro (Voltron)'s Clone, Let Shiro be a Paladin, M/M, Monsters & Mana (Voltron), Not Beta Read, Paladin Shiro, Shiro (Voltron) Needs a Hug, Shiro (Voltron) is a Dork
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-29
Updated: 2018-12-29
Packaged: 2019-09-29 16:03:13
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,449
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17206505
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WashiPuppy/pseuds/WashiPuppy
Summary: Shiro’s steps slowed as he walked, body hesitating without his consent as he approached the door to Lance’s room. The halls of the military hospital were quiet at night, only the night staff moving between the rooms on their rounds. Well, only the staff and himself. One of the perks of being ‘Takashi Shirogane: Captain of the Atlas’ was that the staff were willing to bend the rules for visiting hours slightly to allow him to visit his former team - his friends - while they recovered from the injuries they sustained in the last battle.Lance was the last of the human Paladins Shiro had yet to visit in the hospital.





	I Want To Be A Paladin

Shiro’s steps slowed as he walked, body hesitating without his consent as he approached the door to Lance’s room. The halls of the military hospital were quiet at night, only the night staff moving between the rooms on their rounds. Well, only the staff and himself. One of the perks of being ‘Takashi Shirogane: Captain of the Atlas’ was that the staff were willing to bend the rules for visiting hours slightly to allow him to visit his former team - his friends - while they recovered from the injuries they sustained in the last battle.

Lance was the last of the human Paladins Shiro had yet to visit in the hospital.

As soon as he could get away from his duties he’d gone to see Keith. The Black Paladin was still suffering the effects of the concussion he’d sustained during their last battle, although he'd refused any of the stronger painkillers he’d been offered despite the pounding headache he had. Instead he’d opted for as much nausea medication as he was allowed and conversations held in low voices only, which Shiro disapprovingly complied with. At least he was lucid; according to Kroalia he’d been worse in the varga or so immediately after he woke up, calling her ‘Crystal’ and asking her several times to slow the bed down because they were going too fast for him to steer it properly.

He drifted off to sleep mid-sentence, so Shiro had left him to rest and gone to visit Pidge next, sparing a quick but fond greeting to Matt and Sam Holt as they left her room to hunt down a late dinner for themselves. Pidge was still a bundle of energy despite being bedridden, talking easily with Shiro about what her family had been doing and how things were in the universe outside the Garrison while slowly making her way through what was left of her own dinner. Shiro stayed talking with her much longer than he should have, content to sit beside her and listen as she jumped from one topic to the next, some combination of her injuries,the painkillers she was on, and exhaustion rendering her unable to stay fixed on any single thing long enough to really finish a thought. By the time she was nearing the end of one idea she was already moving on to the next improvement she could make or the next thing she needed to look up. Shiro excused himself with instructions for her to sleep once the flow of words slowed down.

Hunk was the next closest, so Shiro made sure to check in on him to make sure he was okay. His family had snuck him extra food for dinner; The fact that he still had some tako poke left to offer Shiro told him more about how Hunk was really feeling than any number of assurances that he was doing fine and was just a little banged up around the middle.

Shiro had eaten all of the offered squid embarrassingly fast, not realising exactly how hungry he was until he’d started. It didn’t hurt that the food was amazing, which he’d mentioned about half a dozen times before Hunk had laughed, followed immediately by a pained grimace and a promise to tell his Mom how good Shiro thought her poke was.

Shiro beat a rather guilty retreat from Hunk’s room after that.

That left him here, slowly approaching Lance’s door. He hadn’t spoken much to Lance since his resurrection, at first because he was unconscious, then because Keith was a constant shadow at his side, then because he’d been traveling with Pidge… There were a lot of excuses as to why he hadn’t talked to Lance, but they all amounted to the same thing: Shiro knew he should talk to talk to Lance at some point, and he hadn’t. He didn’t even know why he hadn’t. Perhaps it was because he’d connected with Lance for a moment within Voltron when he’d been unable to reach anyone else. 

Maybe it was because his clone been closer to Lance and worked with him more than Shiro had before his untimely demise, and Shiro hadn’t quite integrated all those memories. He’d spoken to Pidge about what happened during his time inside the Black Lion while riding with her, and she’d given him the cliff-notes version of everything his doppleganger had done, helping give context to the few scattered memories and sensations that had been trickling back into his mind through the cracks, but he still felt like there was a lot missing. Fleeting moments where an ache bloomed in his chest that felt familiar and completely foreign all at once, where he wanted to turn one way or move another, expecting something that just wasn’t there. A sensation that he should remember why he felt the way he felt, only to find nothing.

He’d stalled for long enough. He was going to go see Lance now, and if he was already asleep, that was fine. If he wasn’t, Shiro was going to sit next to him and talk to him like an actual adult. Holding that decision firmly in his mind, he covered the final three steps across the hall to Lance’s door and raised his floating hand to knock.

A pained, rasping sound beyond the door had him freezing before he made contact.

A shock of cold panic flooded over him as he shouldered the door open and dashed in, mind already racing itself to provide the worst case scenario. How badly had Lance been hurt? Was he having trouble breathing? Should Shiro be calling a nurse? His chest had been damaged, right? What if his lung had been punctured or collapsed or something, and the medical staff had somehow missed it, and now Lance was-

-Sitting on the hospital bed with his blankets pooled around his waist, staring at him in uncomprehending surprise. Shiro scanned over him quickly, checking for any visible sign of an untreated injury only to find treated bruises and bandages, nothing more. Tears ran over Lance's cheeks to drip from his chin and the tip of his nose, and his eyes were red and puffy, making both their natural blue colour and the dark circles under them stand out in equal measure. 

As Shiro watched, Lance’s expression fell from surprise to horror before he turned deliberately away to hide his face and slide his hands under the blankets. Shiro’s panic faded into confusion and concern. It was obvious that Lance had been crying, so why was he trying to hide it? And what had he hidden under the blankets as soon as he’d realised that Shiro was there?

Lance scrubbed his face on his shoulder, using the hospital clothes he’d been put in to wipe some of the tears of his face while sniffing as subtly as he was able. “Shiro,” he croaked in greeting, voice low and rasped. Shiro flinched in surprise at the sound - his throat sounded like it had been badly injured during the fight, although Shiro didn't want to think about how. “I wasn’t expecting any other visitors today.”

“Lance?” Shiro stepped towards the bed, hesitating at the edge before sitting. “What’s wrong?”

Lance’s shoulders hunched up, his whole being tense for a long moment before he slumped and turned back towards Shiro. Something in Lance’s expression was familiar to him; a combination of hurt, defeat and sadness shining in his eyes as they met Shiro’s own.

He felt that familiar ache all over again, but he tamped down on the sensation and forced himself to smile as encouragingly as he could manage.

With a sigh, Lance pulled his hands out from under the blankets and held them out towards Shiro. “Veronica found these in the cockpit after the fight.” He paused to clear his throat, doing little to make his voice sound less rough than it had before. If anything it sounded more raw. “She thought they might be important to me, so she bought them here. Laughed at me a bit for being a big nerd first though.”

Shiro held out his floating hand, allowing Lance to place two objects on his palm. Lance’s hands lingered for a breath before he drew them back, letting his fingers brush briefly over the tips of Shiro’s own on the way back to his lap.

It took a long moment of staring at the gray figurines in his hand in confusion for a memory to spark. 

They were Monsters and Mana figures. Lance’s Thief and Shiro’s Paladin. “You...you kept these?” He whispered.

Lance bit his lip and nodded. “It- It’s stupid, I know. I keep having to tell myself that he - it - _He_ wasn’t really you, that he was sent in as a spy or sleeper agent or something. And I’m dumb, so I keep trying to tell myself none of it was real, we didn’t really…” he paused, taking another rasping breath, “we didn’t…” he tried again, only to choke back another sob before regaining control of his voice. “But then I look at that figure, and all I can think is that, whoever he really was, he just-” 

Lance’s hands tightened on the sheets over his lap, words tumbling over each other as they fought to be first out of his mouth. “All he wanted was to be a Paladin. That was the best thing he could think of. He tried so hard to get back to us, and even though he was in pain all the time he just wanted to be a Paladin, and- I mean, I know it was just his programming or something Haggar did to him to make him want to fill your position, but I just- I just…”

Shiro didn’t catch the rest of Lance’s rambling. Too many thoughts and feelings were suddenly assaulting him, drowning out the rest of the world in a rush.

_\- Being in the Black Lion, but this time from within the Clone’s body. Begging them to let him pilot because the people he cared about most in the universe were in danger, and he could do nothing. Genuine fear of being without a way to help, being useless -_

_\- Sitting with his team, playing an adventure game that made him feel foolish and carefree. Getting to play out all the ridiculous fantasies of being a hero he’d always had -_

_\- Wanting so badly to be someone who was unequivocally good. Someone who would always be good, no matter what he had to do. Someone who was still him, but certain beyond any doubt that they were a good person -_

_\- A Paladin. All Shiro - that other Shiro - wanted to be was a Paladin -_

_\- Lance joining him on subsequent playthroughs, playing a Bard once and an Alchemist once, before switching back to his Assassin / Thief character again so that Shiro didn’t feel so awkward always playing his Paladin -_

_\- The feeling of Lance beside him, feeling the warmth of his body whenever they traded the dice back and forth, whenever Lance would nudge him after a particularly daring maneuver -_

_\- Nights spent together re-working their stats and build, planning the next part of their grand, meaningless adventure. A feeling of camaraderie he hadn’t had in a long time, as equals rather than captain and subordinate -_

_\- The feeling of being alone with Lance, of laughing and being invested in what they were doing -_

_\- Corran’s baffled enthusiasm, always coming up with new adventures for them even though the pair spent an entire session on a meaningless quest to set up a random turnip seller with the local tavern owner -_

_\- Nights spent with Lance talking about their characters relationships bleeding into talking about themselves -_

_\- The feeling of Lance hovering beside him, always watching him, always ready to step in -_

_\- Knowing that he was someone doing good, letting himself believe that he was doing good things -_

_\- The way Lance looked at him, smiled at him -_

That hollow ache came back in full force, knocking the breath out of Shiro as the barrage of new memories clamoured for attention, not letting themselves be sorted or settled into a timeline yet. He’d originally chalked the feeling up to his missing bond with the Black Lion now that Keith had taken over full time as their Paladin, but he didn’t believe that was all it was any more. That was part of it, there was definitely a new empty place inside him where the Black Lion used to sit that he dealt with by keeping busy and taking command of the Atlas. But that wasn’t all of it. That hole hadn’t only held one thing. It was naive to think it had.

“- And I don’t know if I’m the bigger jerk for being sad that I don’t have that anymore when I know how much worse it is for you! I mean, how selfish do I have to be? It’s disgusting, but I can’t just make those memories go away, and… I’m so sorry, Shiro. I don’t think I can say it enough, but I’m so, so sorry.” Lance finished breathlessly, fresh tears rolling down his face. “I don’t think I can ever make it up to you, but I promise I’ll try, okay? I promise, every day I’ll try.” 

Shiro wasn’t sure exactly how much of Lance pouring his heart out he’d missed, but that last bit was something he could try to respond to. He could tell Lance not to regret anything he did with the Clone. He could tell Lance that the Clone was him, just a him that was always in pain and afraid. He could tell Lance how much his presence meant to that other Shiro, how much it was starting to mean to him…

“I…” Shiro gasped, feeling tears spring unbidden to his eyes. He would absolutely tell Lance all of that. As soon as he could get out more than a few words, he’d tell Lance everything. He promised himself that.

Lance’s eyes widened, the flow of words stopping as he took in Shiro’s shaking form. He reached forwards cautiously, hands sliding up Shro’s arms to rest on his shoulders and neck, a gently offer of physical contact that Shiro ate up and dived in for more of. In a heartbeat he’d fallen forwards to wrap his arms around Lance’s chest, careful of the bandages and tubes that wound their way under his scrubs. Gentle over the bruises. 

The only thing that he could force out of his mouth was a single phrase.

“I want to be a Paladin again.”

Lance’s arms tightened around Shiro as sobs rattled his frame, pulling him in and letting his own head rest atop Shiro’s. It felt like understanding.

**Author's Note:**

> This was for the Paladin / Thief square on a Bingo card, but I did NOT get it written in time. I’ve got an outline for one more story based on the bingo card after this that I didn’t get to do, but since I’ve got them outlined, I’d like to still do them. Plus, with some recent huge changes that have happened in my life, I might have a bit more time to do it. So there's that.
> 
> I hope this appeals to someone else besides me, although let's be honnest, not my best work here >_>


End file.
